Mostly I try to think positive, I imagine myself having children of my own, a husband that loves me and our children unconditionally, a good house, cars, a family vacation every now and then, a good job that gives me the chance to spent time with my family, my friends that have the decency and ability to grow old with me and my family. Basically this is a perfect picture that I guess everyone would dream of.
But sometimes seeing my world as it is, I can’t help but wonder whether my dreams are realistic enough. You know how fast time passes you by; mostly what really happens isn’t what you hoped it would be like. Yes, sometimes reality is better than our expectations; but still, even when you know that you have control of your own world; things just don’t happen as planned.
I’ve spent my life thinking that, even when I am studying in Indonesia now, I believe that the next step of my life will be spent somewhere in Europe, to study, to live and to learn about the world. But apparently I don’t have much to say about my future, I have settled on doing my master degree in ITB, because my mother wants me to, and since I know myself, I think that this might be a good decision, because I still feel that I have a mental age of a 12 year old, I won’t make it a month alone by myself, let along be in another country by myself. But I still hope that my doctoral degree will be in Berlin, but as my mother kindly pointed out in a conversation, she has planned to talk me out of it, that she is hoping for me to stay in Indonesia. It hurts to know that I don’t have the right to choose for my own. I know that my parents mean well, but I still need to know that what I’m doing is not just what is being handed to me.
The whole family thing is showing no signs of letting me get a hold on it either, I have never been loved by anyone, let along be loved unconditionally by anyone (except my parents), I have dated numerous people but none of them seem to held up to my expectations, or simply show affection pointing that they someday will get to where I need them to. My friends have told me that I have high standards, maybe they are right. But the man I chose to be with does not need to be perfect, what I need him to do is just to show that in that imperfection is a slight possibility of him to love me unconditionally. If he shows this slight possibility, I’d wait for him. Honestly I don’t get why nobody would care for me, if someone would just let me in I promise not to ruin it, I promise that I would love them no matter what, seriously I believe I would be very dedicated on a relationship. But I never had one, so what can I say.
My parents have planned to hook me up with this guy, who if you ask me could never say no to anything my parents ask him to, my parents have helped him through too much for him not to do any favors for my parents, even if it is by marrying me. So what relationship would it be if you have constant fear that your partner is only doing it out of mercy? Also I do have this obnoxious sweet guy who constantly says that he’s going to propose to me in two years time, which is after he graduated college and has a decent job, which I know he meant sincerely. But since I know by heart that he doesn’t really know who I am, I believe that if he found out about my true nature, he’d backed out immediately.
I have this crush on this guy, which I somehow think is the one; I believe I might be falling in love with him. But seeing his response to me I don’t think that that’s gonna happen, and it’s hard to face the possibility that maybe I am not good enough for him. I know that I am not pretty and such, but I always felt that if I have been given the chance to show him what’s underneath this evidently ugly exterior is actually just a girl with a good heart, maybe he can feel for me.
As for my children, if I do get married I KNOW that I’m gonna make things right with them, I have to have some confidence that by the time I have them I will have the ability to set a good life for them, a life me and my husband have build without any interventions.
I love my life, don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret anything that has happened, but I see things in my life which needs some improving. I have amazing friends, I know I can count on them, but the truth is that they all will start a family sooner or later, in which I can’t be part of, and if this happens I can only hope that I have someone to build my family with, so I don’t end up having everything I ever wanted-just alone.